Archive for October 8, 2012

Be fair and say good-bye

Posted: October 8, 2012 in Live & Learn

They have been sweethearts for more than a year. Their involvement with each other had been very intense emotionally, intellectually and even sexually. They had been making plans to get married when she suddenly began to worry about their relationship, their love.

She noticed that he was seeing less & less of her, calling/texting less often and talking more & more about things that didn’t matter much. When she confronted him & asked him to explain, he simply said he was very busy with his work & needed more time for himself (hmm…in other words, starting to make lame excuses). Long after the relationship effectively ended, he had never said good-bye. He simply faded out of her life without even giving her a satisfactory explanation.

Is this story familiar? You bet! Far too often, relationships end without even a whimper. Lovers don’t say good-bye. Instead, they simply disappear quietly into the dark night. The lover who wants to end his relationship this way usually does so for any number of reasons.

First, he may feel guilty about walking away after having made a promise he evidently has no intention of keeping. He may not want to hurt the woman and hopes that by quietly sneaking out the back door, she will just forget about him. Or perhaps she does not want to be the one to end the relationship and thus refuses to put a period at the end of the chapter. Instead, she leaves without any formal finish to the relationship.

Lovers who use the “fade-out” technique believe it gives them less pain. Perhaps, but it isn’t fair. When a lover slowly backs out of a relationship piece by piece, he or she cuts away the partner’s self-esteem. More than that, when the relationship isn’t clearly ended, the partner may believe that there is still a good chance of patching things up and going on. This, even if the one leaving has no intention of doing so. Often, the one saying good-bye will create false expectations by saying things like, “Perhaps we can try again in a few months’ time.” Or, “This isn’t a break up, only a pause in a relationship” or others calls it “cool‒off” ‒ when you know very well that its’ over.

Often, the one wanting to leave will ask for impossible conditions for staying, believing those conditions are completely unacceptable. There is surprise when they are sometimes accepted.

It isn’t fair to play with one’ feelings, especially someone you once claimed to love deeply. You owe it to that person to be honest and clear about your intention.

Some advise:
1. Don’t use the “I need more time” excuse.
2. Encourage your partner to find a life independent of you
3. Let your actions reflect your words
4. Tell it as it is
5. Don’t make excuses

If you went into a relationship SINCERELY, you’re duty bound to leave it in the same manner.

[a re-post from my old blog]